Jim Dowd responds to the attack on the Boston Marathon

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[Two products of our fair city. Both will kick your ass.]

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Oh man, you screwed up, didn’t you?

Yes, your little RadioShack experiment for evil hurt and killed some people and got you the attention you were obviously so desperately seeking. Point for you there, asshole. But I get the sense you really don’t know what you’ve done here, do you? Are you from out of town? I have the strong sense that you are.

If that is the case, allow me tell you a little something about the city you screwed with. This town is not your run-of-the mill medium sized regional capital. In picking Boston as a target you picked has the unique condition of having a ridiculously huge number of completely off-the-wall genius techno-wizards co-existing right alongside some of the most psychotic angry, violent motherf&*^ers on the planet. I guarantee you that bringing these two groups together for common cause will turn out to be a massive miscalculation your part.

Do you have any idea what I’m talking about? This small city produced both Stephen J Gould and Whitey Bulger.  This place gave us Leonard Nimoy and Mark Wahlberg.  Southie and Cambridge. Brookline and Brockton. This place will kick the screaming piss out of you, come up with a cure for having the screaming piss kicked out of you, give it to you for free, then win a Nobel prize for it and then use the medallion to break your knuckles. See what I’m talking about?

Go to other towns with smart people. Do they have the tattooed, scarred, pent-up hard-cases to match? Every time I go to a bar in Palo Alto or Zurich I get the distinct sense that I could pretty much take everyone in there while still holding my own in Words With Friends on my iPhone. Not that I’m some huge tough guy by any stretch of the imagination, it’s just that Boston and the other “smart” towns are in different leagues. It’s like the Bruins going up against some “Magic The Gathering” gamers at pond hockey. (And not our the Magic The Gathering players in Gloucester, either. I’ve seen those dudes and they actually look like they could hold their own pretty well. I certainly wouldn’t try and cast a dubious spell with those guys, they’re hardcore.)

Boston produces two distinct stereotypes: Huge, giant geeks and angry Catholic tough guys. You know what? Both of those are true and you, you dumb shit, just gave them a reason to team up. And on top of it you attacked our signature event, one made up of exceedingly fit people who pursue a hobby of enduring incredible searing pain for hours on end. This is what they do for “fun”. You think these guys aren’t going to go to the ends of the Earth to catch you? Trust me, this town will never forget and never give up. We have a thing here called “Irish Alzheimer’s”- it’s when the only memories you have are grudges.

You terrorist asshole, I can assure you that right now, just as I am writing this, that there are dudes sitting in conference rooms and labs a few blocks away in Cambridge drawing elaborate flow charts on whiteboards that describe exactly how to deploy arcane, unheard of and incredibly complicated technology involving quantum entanglement and nanobots to pinpoint, as much as the universe will allow considering the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, your sorry, sorry stupid pathetic little ass.

And behind me in the North End and across the channel to the bars on Summer St. there are similar groups of dudes debating the scientific merits of different electrical voltages applied to the various soft tissues of the human body in order to elicit maximum amounts of excruciating pain over time. They have formulas for this [V/NADS over Time= Screams that they will hear in Worcester]. This is not a theoretical discussion; they are speaking from practical experience.

You’d better pray the BPD catches you first. No, scratch that, you’d better pray for the FBI. No, wait, all those dudes went to Holy Cross. For your own good you might want to turn yourself in to the CDC or the National Geospatial Agency or something like that. They might let you live. Maybe.

And worse yet for you, Boston is provincial in a way that makes Sicily look like Epcot. We don’t care if you’re going to school here, just moved from half a world away or are up for a long weekend. When you’re in Boston, you’re Boston. We watch each other’s backs, always have and always will. And we live for an enemy and a purpose. This is not going to end well for you. Over the past three centuries we’ve taken on Imperial England, slavery and Krispy Kreeme. Note that given time, Boston wins every time.

Come to think of it, a lot of those Geospatial guys went to MIT. Oh man, you are so effed.

152 thoughts on “Jim Dowd responds to the attack on the Boston Marathon

    1. D’ho! Yes, thanks. I rattled this off on the Acela with limited access to cell service/wifi and I should have edited it better overall. But man I was pissed and I hit send with a mashed fist before reading it over.

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  1. Gave this Winter Hill guy (that ended up graduating from college in Lowell) a good laugh. That deep down, knowing you really nailed it, kind of laugh. When you’re in town, let me know, and I’ll treat you to a tonic.

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  2. Thanks, you’ve said it very eloquently.
    I hope the science dudes get him first.
    Lets find out exactly how much pain can a human body take and for how long before it disintegrates?

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  3. This needs to be spread around a little bit then you know some rat bastard who knows the rat bastards who did it will think “shit I gotta rollover on these rat bastards before the entire city of Boston comes calling to squish me like a cock a roach.”

    As I was reading it I was thinking, no he’s leaving out, … but then, nope covered it.

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  4. We feel your pain up here in Canada, brother. We too, hope that they get the perp(s) ASAP, and deal with them as they deserve: garbage that needs to be taken out.

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  5. Eventhough I live in the northern exurbs of the Hub, I am proud to call Boston my capital city.
    So much history. World class universities and hospitals. Great people. Don’t forget the weather makes us tough too.

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    1. Yeah, I’m Gloucester since the early 90’s, but my dad’s family were all hard-core Southie. I work in Boston, most of my clients are here and I too consider it the “Hub”. My cousin who was hurt in the attack (14 stitches and a blown eardrum) lives in Braintree.

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  6. I have been looking a the stats on this post and this is going viral. First time ever a post outranks the GMG main page in reads with over 4,000 yesterday and trending that way today but that is just the tip of the iceberg. Just google “Jim Dowd responds to the attack on the Boston Marathon” (keep the quotes) and a thousand websites list this post. It is the hot post on wordpress and most of the top google hits are news aggregators so it just multiplies. I put it on my Facebook and Google Plus page and both have been repeatedly shared.

    It hit a cord. And if you happen to know someone from around these parts, you know it’s all true.

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  7. Thanks to everybody for the kind words. I cranked this out on the Acela down to NY yesterday and hit send before I had really edited it very well. But I was hella pissed. One of the guys I was traveling with on Monday couldn’t find his wife at the finish and didn’t know if she was alive, hurt or whatever. Fortunately she was fine. My own cousin, the indestructible Chris Tarpey, was helping at the finish and wound up with some shrapnel and a blown eardrum. He wound up with 14 stitches and will be OK. So, like I said, I’m mad. I’m also glad that people are feeling it too and I’m super-glad that people are feeling like this is giving that anger some voice.

    A pissed-off, Mass-accented voice. Which is the last thing these paleovermin are going to hear before the bat connects with their skulls.

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  8. Born in Boston, grew up on the South Coast, and except for a brief stint in RI (eh, it’s close enough to Boston, ain’t it?), lived in MA all my life, including for the past few years. Heck, even my kid was born in Boston (gotta love those top-notch hospitals, after all). This truly made me smile.

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  9. Lived in Massachusetts for nine years, and this was always one of the things I loved about the place- the combination of high-powered brains and brawn, frequently in the same person. You just do not fuck with New Englanders, and you really don’t fuck with anyone from the Boston area.

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  10. Another way in which the smart guys AND the tough guys have ALREADY kicked ass: terrorist attack, two bombings — only three deaths. Yes, we mourn Krystle Campbell, Lu Lingzi, and Martin Richard, and we will have justice for them — but this terrorist, these terrorists, killed fewer people than a drunk driver.

    Why? Because we have THE BEST FIRST RESPONDERS, DOCTORS, AND NURSES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. You had people there who had seen things like this in Iraq and Afghanistan, and just jumped into action. You had people who ran toward the mess and got the wounded to help. Once they got to the hospital, the absolute best medical teams ANYWHERE started saving lives.

    This was the best, most successful, most skilled disaster recovery in HISTORY.

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    1. This is something that can not be stressed enough. How incredible the first responders were and the medical staff at the hospitals. When emergency rooms heard about the explosions they immediately prepared surgery rooms to deal with the injuries typically associated with IEDs before they even received any patients or information. When nails and ball bearings were found in wounds there wasn’t any confusion or surprise, these things were anticipated and because of it (to the best of my knowledge) no one who was reached by first responders alive, died. This is a sad reality in our post 9/11 era but this tragedy fell short of a catastrophe because of the amazing people who responded to the attacks. RIP Sean Collier – Love, an MIT student

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  11. Not from Boston, but I am Irish and Catholic and no one f**ks with us or the people we care about and gets away with it. Loved this post! May God bless your city, and may he have mercy on the a**holes who did this, because no one else will.

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  12. Made me miss Boston more than ever. Nobody out here on the left coast quite has this kind of attitude, or speaks this clearly. Thank you!

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  13. Here I am a nice, middle-aged teacher with a sweet face…and you said everything that I have been thinking for the past few days! Including all the swears. Screw that guy or those guys or whatever limited organization they have. We will kick their butts. (And from a teacher’s perspective…nicely written.)

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  14. I am from around Gloucester and now live in San Francisco, this made me miss home in the worst way, just about packed my bags and started walking back, if this would fit on a t-shirt, i would wear it, bravo sir, bravo….

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  15. Totally agree, especially being a former geospatial gal from Boston! So sad by what has happened but encouraged by the spirit of all who support!

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  16. This hits home in a million different ways. I’m from Brockton, I play Magic and hockey, I know Magic players in Gloucester, I love the Bruins, I’m Irish (Alzheimer’s), I’m one of those Cambridge techno-geeks AND I’m staring at a whiteboard right now…… Thinking dubious thoughts…… Outstanding Sir, outstanding…..

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  17. Many people so far have expressed a similar theme (i.e., ya just don’t eff with Boston), but this letter was a thing of beauty.

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  18. Well Jim as much as I love this piece I think you forgot to mention everybody in Dorchester,Roxbury, and Mattapan we want a piece of these assholes too because when you mess with one you mess with all and we wll show you the true meaning of the words Boston Beat Down

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  19. As an American who has never been to MA, I have to tell you…

    You got the formula wrong… That should be “nads DIVIDED BY voltage”

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  20. Living in Bangalore it can be difficult to explain to my friends EXACTLY what Boston is all about. From their perspective it might as well be the North Pole and it barely counts as a city. It might not at all if it didn’t have Harvard (I KNOW!!! They don’t) and all those lovely doctors and shit. This piece sums things up quite nicely. Thank you.

    Beth Chapman

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    1. we’re not all ignoramuses here in Bangalore, Beth!!! we know exactly what has happened, even though you may not know what happens in our neck of the woods….

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      1. @Nona Hi Nona! After living here in Bangalore for several years I absolutely agree that Bangaloreans are an erudite, sophisticated, well-educated and travelled modern bunch. But looking at the millions living in my home HERE in contrast to the mere 627,000 in Boston just makes me GIGGLE! Of course Bangaloreans read the paper/web/media of choice. And of course I know about the bomb in Maleshwaram. I do, too, even though I was in Pune.

        What I would hope this fab piece sheds light on is not the EVENTS that befell my cold city, but the truly unique and perhaps bizarre CULTURE of Boston.

        If nothing else, it might help my Indian friends understand ME better 🙂

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  21. I was able to enjoy living in Boston for 3 months a long time ago and he’s spot on about people having your back as if you are a native Bostonian. Great neighborhoods in that city.
    Praying for you all.

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  22. I’m from Portland, Oregon and our fair city was founded in part by a guy from Boston named Asa Lovejoy. If not for him losing a coin toss to a guy from Portland, Maine, we would have been named Boston, Oregon. We are with you! If not in name (stupid coin toss) then in spirit!

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  23. Tears of sorrow,
    tears of pride,
    tears of laughter…
    Thank you from all of us from the bottom of our feisty Boston hearts.

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  24. Thank you, well said…
    They deserve nothing less than having their limbs removed one millimeter at a time with a dull rusty hacksaw by all the victims…just have to keep them awake and alive to feel every excruciating moment…
    I’m sorry, did I say that out loud????
    Born & bred in Massachusetts…work in Boston (4 blocks from the Site)…pissed as HELL!!!!!!!!!

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      1. That dumb punk needs a good ol’ fashion keel haulin’ first! let’s exemplify Boston’s pride by making the largest showing ever at the next marathon!

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  25. Giant guy with Irish heritage here who spent three years consulting with MIT-based tech companies … effff yeah to this!!! Thank you.

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  26. I am originally from New York, and I presently live in CT. Never been a fan of Boston – until NOW. This article is OUTSTANDING. Thanks for sharing.

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  27. Thank you so much for this. I can not tell you how happy you have made me. I am crying I was so touched. You made me feel safe in a way that only Boston can.

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  28. I was out of state when the bombings happened, down in Mississippi for a blues festival. We pulled into an Oxford bar, looked at the TV screen and it hit me like a blow to the gut. They had the sound off like they often do in bars, but suddenly the bartender walked in front with a remote and cranked the sound. He was from Mississippi but had attended Berklee, then come back home. I was born in Jackson Ms, raised in Maryland, moved to Boston in ’99. We were both shocked, then saddened, then pissed. Thanks for the great piece man. I’m not a native but feel like it and didn’t realize it until this happened.

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  29. As I am catching the news, so sad about the MIT Campus Police, the police have are in Watertown, hopefully will be able to find the other coward who changed Boston forever, We will be stronger and kinder

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  30. This is the best and most spot-on piece I’ve seen so far, worldwide. And this morning (Friday April 19) it’s playing out right in front of our eyes. One change I’d suggest: “Over the past three centuries we’ve taken on Imperial England, slavery, Krispy Kreme, and the New York Yankees. Note that – given time – Boston wins. Every time.”

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  31. Born, bred & raised in Worcester – that said, I’ve always been a Bostonian. As soon as I was old enough, I was drawn by some undescribable force closer and closer to Boston proper, by way of some fabulously fun and uncomprehensibly tough cities – like Lowell & Woburn, to name just but two. Cities that non-natives consider dangerous, and Bostonians know they are tough, but places I called home and have never felt more well protected. And regardless of my many complaints about the blizzards/the taxes/etc resulting in my frequent threats to pack up and take off to some other “grass is always greener locale” I am and always will be!
    Jim, your blog struck a cord more that anything else I’ve seen or heard since the attack and for that you should be proud. I really needed some perspective and you gave it to me. Thank you very much and keep up the awesome work. Boston is the strongest community I know and we will ALWAYS prevail!

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  32. Nicely done … one more thing to add … if the above doesn’t get you … REVERE will! Born – raised – and still here!

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  33. Point of order, Stephen Jay Gould was born in New York and educated in Ohio. He worked in Boston but remained a Yankees fan throughout his life.

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    1. Yeah, point taken. But he lived here for a long time and I had the pleasure of meeting him a few times. I think we can claim a good part of him. And I’m also off bashing the Yankees since the Sweet Caroline thing. My whole world is upside down.

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  34. Thoughts and prayers are with you guys from someone born and raised in New York. You guys do what you do. All I ask is that you broadcast it on pay-per-view. I’ll gladly pay $49.95 to watch. Heck, I’ll pony up the extra $5 to watch it in Hi-Def. Stay Strong!

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  35. hell of a writer’s voice. your first draft is better than a lot of writers’ finals. you’ve tapped into a slice of Boston that’s hard to describe, and you’ve done it so well.

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  36. “And worse yet for you, Boston is provincial in a way that makes Sicily look like Epcot.”

    Truer words were never said. Laughing my ass off in Oakland, California, and missing home very much. Thanks for this!

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  37. A Texan Salutes you! The first time I have smiled all week.

    Brilliant. And thank you. It’s been a bad week, from East coast to West, Texas..
    The dude has run out of ways, and choices, on how he’s going to meet his Maker.
    As we Aggies say “Gig ’em”.

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  38. this was funny as hell.

    “Are you from out of town? I have the strong sense that you are.”
    Sadly it turns out, these assholes have lived in Boston since they were kids (the youngest was about 9 years old when he moved here), and went to school in Cambridge. dont understand how someone who lives here for that long wouldnt know what the hell he was messing with. besides being an asses, they have to also be the stupidest fuckers alive.

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  39. And what is more, he thought of himself as a lifelong New Yprker.

    All this ra ra Beantown stuff gets old fast, and I am a Native Son.

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  40. Born and raised in NY and was living in DC on 9/11. I have friends and family all over the States and even in various countries. Thanks for putting into words what everyone I know is feeling. Boston and Bostonians eff’n rock.

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  41. Not a native, but survived the Combat Zone in the early 80s, so I know what you’re talking about. Also went through 9/11 here in NYC and had the same though: “F-you, we’re New Yorkers and you don’t mess with us.” Baseball bat, car battery, and some wires sounds good to me. You could put it on pay-per-view to raise money for the victims and play Sweet Caroline as the soundtrack.

    Great piece!

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  42. THANK YOU! This former Boston gal is feeling so awful all the way here in California. This really cheered me up. I waited for my dad at the finish line of the Boston Marathon when I was a little girl. You nailed it! Even being able to take the patrons in the bars in Palo Alto singlehandedly…

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  43. Awesome piece. Renewed the suspicion I have that I was stolen from a Boston family shortly after birth (I would fall under the angry Irish-Catholic tough guy category). LOVED the line about Irish Alzheimer’s, and REALLY LOVED the line about the FBI guys all going to Holy Cross. Thanks!

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  44. Wonderful and so true! Mess wBoston / MA at your own peril! Props to both the official force (cops, national guard, fbi, firefighter/EMTs AND to the people of the greater Boston area who did as told! They stayed inside when told to stay inside and came out and caught the MF when allowed out. Yeah there are brilliant people in the Boston area and Yeah there are people who you really really don’t want to Piss off but even the average guy who just wanted to check to see if any bullets hit his beloved boat will take you down…. Watertown, YOU ROCK!!! Three of the most important things in MA are Politics, Sports and REVENGE, not necessarily in that order. Message sent to the world, if you mess with Boston/ MA you will NOT get away with it! They will do WHATEVER it takes to get you!

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  45. Your pre-capture piece was re-posted on facebook today (AFTER they got this evil, demented ‘boat enthusiast’). It was so wonderful and entertaining to read! Brilliant, True and Hysterical! First I’ve heard of you. You should get yourself syndicated. Thank you for writing this! – Rick in Brighton

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  46. I had four heads swivel toward me in the newsroom with looks on their faces that said, “Should we call the security guy who’s here for the weekend because you’ve gone off the deep end?” because I was guffawing with laughter. Then I almost fell off my chair with the description of “Irish Alzheimer’s.” I’m convinced everyone in the McNeil side of my family (from Chelsea) has it. I’ve shared someone else’s posting of this on FB with the note that it’s what you need if you need a huge, frickin’, belly laugh full of good for whatever ails you after this week. This effin’ week. Thank you.

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  47. As a southener born and raise, I have had the great pleasure of visiting your fine wonderful city over the past 10 years, both for business and pleasure. I love the city, I love the people, You rock Boston!!! Great piece and “go woop some ass” take care and stand strong and proud of everything BOSTON!!! Take care of the victims and our prayers for those lost.

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  48. Pingback: Jim Dowd responds to the attack on the Boston Marathon | doltd
  49. Wonderfully well said. Echoed the sentiments of the country, too. And yes, Boston is the only city in America more provincial than San Francisco!! (Loved the expression “Irish Alzheimer’s,” also!)

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  50. whitey bulger, the mob, mark wahlberg??? i know you are ranting, but bad analogies. you’re talking about murderers and a playactor. we have had some great heroes from boston and toughness was on display when people ran towards the smoke, carnage and debris and rescued people. that’s the toughness that i want to associate with, not scumbags who kill people or someone who plays one for a living.

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  51. ‘Boston is provincial in a way that makes Sicily look like Epcot.’ Having lived all over the country, including Boston for many years, this pretty much sums up the city for me.

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  52. We here in Philadelphia support all of Boston and I personally loved Jim’s words. Glad he was angry when he wrote it — we all need to be angry and not let these losers ever win! I was so proud Friday night as this all came to a fitting end – Boston you rock!and all

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  53. I’ve just finished reading your blog and I have to say it sure hit the nail on it’s head. I think to say that in general opinion and in this case we are proud of our capitol city and it’s surrounding towns and cities. Also, being considered ” unrelenting bad asses” in pursuit of justice, is a compliment no one can ignore. Thanks for your righteous indignation and for the blog.

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  54. Had to reread your post with the perspective of having the guy chained to a bed. Tops, my man, just tops! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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  55. I’m a Boston girl who’s lived away from home for 20 years now…this brought it all back…beautifully expressed…loved it! Are you always this good??

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  56. I think the great cities of the world all have some of this attitude. Think of the elderly Londoner who declared, “We’ve been bombed by professionals” after the terrorist attack of 2005. After all the death and destruction of the last hundred years what sort of idiot thinks terror will work against any city?

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  57. i did come from 1/2 way across the globe (Saudi Arabia) to Boston for a much too short while, and yes I did feel Boston and was Boston for those weeks … loved the post, am not a geek (unfortunately) nor huge in size in any positive way! ; but the Boston left in me that rubbed off will gladly join efforts any day!

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  58. I was only in the Boston area for a few weeks from 1/2 across the globe (Saudi Arabia)… about close to 3 months spread over 2 1/2 years… at that much too short a time, i felt Boston and was Boston! I’m not a geek (unfortunately) , nor huge in size in anyway that can be described as positive; yet the little Boston and did rub off on me is as angry as hell; I’d join efforts with you any day! Loved your post

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  59. Joey – FYI, the reason you think all the pantywaists in Palo Alto bars are paintywaists is because, well… they’ve been imported. We’re the dumping ground for pantywaists.
    Try out the locals. The phrase “huge, giant, angry, tough geeks” should come to mind. C’mon… we founded the SCA. Eastern re-enactors use guns, and cotton uniforms. We get down and dirty and beat the crap out of each other, in heavy armor. For fun, and because it’s a great stress relief.
    But we love y’all. Go pound the crap out of ’em. 🙂

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  60. “Irish Alzheimer’s”- it’s when the only memories you have are grudges. – nicking that for a signature line.
    Eh, My civilized side says “Violence begets further violence, in an endless spiral.” – and having said THAT, my reptile brain says “Use enough violence and the survivors will decide to go bother someone else.”
    My reptile brain is ALWAYS struggling with the Civilized brain…Nicely written. I wish I could lase a JDAM in on these guys, no,stake’em in a field and call in a gunship, nah, you’re right TASER voltages to soft tissues are a better idea, or let us go old school and use the Death of a Thousand Cuts.

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  61. Just read this brilliant post again and will come back to it many times in the future. Jim, I love that you honor the solidarity of Bostonians of such a broad range of cultures, origins, talents and beliefs. As a descendent of some of the people who crossed the Atlantic to build this remarkable city, and as a very ordinary and insignificant citizen of what began as the Bay Colony, I too feel honored and proud to join my voice with all of you who will simply not tolerate such cruelty and insanity. Pessimists of the future of humanity take note!

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